“It quacks, it glows, and it pays alimony—who are we to judge?”
By Larcen Barlo, Court Correspondent & Soggy Bench Advocate
TARNWILLOW— In a landmark ruling by the Court of Familiar Affairs, the central town fountain of Tarnwillow—designated a minor magical entity after the Great Spillage of ’18—has officially been granted sole custody of two ducks and a spiritling of unknown taxonomic origin.
The decision follows a months-long dispute between the fountain and local hedge-witch Marela Tott, who originally summoned the spirit to “gently accelerate herb growth” and “occasionally retrieve spoons from the wishing basin.”
The ducks, meanwhile, were unaffiliated but have reportedly “imprinted” on the spirit and refuse to leave the waterspout’s jurisdiction.
⚖️ THE RULING
Presiding over the case, Judge Marnix Quarrelstone delivered his verdict with dripping robes and a surprisingly eloquent footnote on aquatic sentience.
“The Fountain of Tarnwillow, henceforth referred to as ‘Custodial Entity B,’ has demonstrated continuous care, cohabitation, and the capacity to hum lullabies through minor hydraulic manipulation.”
The court noted the fountain’s:
- Protective warding glyphs,
- Consistent water temperature,
- And the heartfelt mosaic depiction of a duck-family unveiled last Equinox.
Marela Tott was offered biweekly visitation rights, one enchanted reed flute, and the return of her spoons.
🦆 COMMUNITY REACTION
Reaction among residents was… mixed.
“This town has truly gone soft,” said local woodcutter Bram. “I was fined for feeding a raccoon bread last week, but now the fountain can claim dependents?”
Others applauded the decision.
“The ducks are clearly happier,” said pastry merchant Elly Brell. “The spirit even organized a water ballet last Tuesday. That’s more civic engagement than our mayor.”
The mayor, when reached for comment, was unavailable, citing “flood-based scheduling conflicts.”
👤 GUEST COMMENTARY: DR. ANTON SABLE
Prominent arcanobiologist and respected researcher of sentient infrastructure, Dr. Anton Sable, was incidentally in town during the ruling, having stopped to examine “local aquifer anomalies and suspicious mallard behaviors.”
In an official statement, he remarked:
“While some may scoff at the idea of a fountain achieving recognized parental agency, I find the ruling both refreshingly modern and metaphysically sound.
Water-bound entities are, after all, notoriously attentive caregivers—fluid in emotion, protective in temperament, and, in this case, admirably photogenic.
I offer my congratulations to the ducks, the spiritling, and the basin in question. May their days be placid and their algae tasteful.”
– Dr. Anton Sable, Scholar of the Subtle Unsettling, Sable Society
🌊 WHAT’S NEXT?
In the wake of the decision:
- The fountain is being fitted with a ceremonial nameplate (“Aqualia, Guardian of Feather and Flame”)
- A small crowd has begun leaving offerings of breadcrumbs, moss trinkets, and family court paperwork “just in case”
- The ducks have reportedly signed up for swimming lessons taught by the spiritling itself, who now goes by “Glub”
The Court of Familiar Affairs has hinted this case may set precedent for future guardianship claims by animate ponds, sylph-powered windowboxes, and at least one very emotional thundercloud.
“We’re in uncharted legal waters,” said Clerk Pell. “But at least the ducks seem happy.”
