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Muddlewick — A minor scheduling error in the town of Muddlewick’s Golem Labor Division has resulted in a bureaucratic standoff, after a municipal crossing guard—serial number G-X13 ‘Clappy’—refused to move from his assigned post until a formal contract amendment addressed “inclement weather overtime.” Witnesses report Clappy stood immobile in torrential rain for nearly fourteen hours, arms perpetually outstretched in “child-protection posture,” despite no children being present due to a district-wide weather cancellation. The golem, assembled from discarded armor, brick dust, and an unusually sassy directional rune, reportedly vocalized its demands through a series of soggy chalkboard slates. One read simply: […]

Requires a poem, confession, or unresolved childhood memory to pass. TALLGRAVEL CROSSING, REGION OF WOE —Travelers attempting to cross the historic Sinderstone Bridge this week were met with an unexpected demand — not for coin, but for catharsis. The bridge’s longtime resident troll, Norflax Underspan, has reportedly revised his toll policy to favor “emotional honesty” over traditional currency. The new tolls include such requirements as: 🧠 A Shift in Toll Philosophy When pressed for comment, Norflax told Civic Report correspondents: “What’s a gold coin to a troll? Cold, clinky, and meaningless. But a human’s tears? Mmm. Priceless. They pair beautifully […]

“You can’t copyright a yell,” says legal expert. “But you can definitely weaponize it.” By Quill Sumpkin, Senior Shouting Correspondent BLAREBURROW— A public disturbance in the usually tranquil town of Blareburrow erupted into bureaucratic scandal yesterday as town crier Broderick Hasp was detained for “unauthorized sonic duplication” following a record-setting shout that echoed for six hours straight. Local enchanters claim the echo has begun developing a personality of its own, responding to questions, correcting pronunciation, and once muttering the phrase “I deserve better acoustics.” 📣 THE INCIDENT The trouble began shortly after Hasp declared the arrival of “market cheese hour” […]

A Public Engagement Bulletin on Simulated Fortunes By Hesper Glaive, Official Coin-Sayer of the Inquisitorial Ledger BoardWith illustrations withheld pending investigation into sentient dividends Citizens of Arma, barons of the borderlands, hedgewitches and hedge fund managers alike—lend your ears, your eyes, and perhaps even your ill-gotten goat futures. Because something wondrous has taken root in the chalk-lined ledger margins of our world: 📍 The Fable Market Exchange — coming soon, open to all This isn’t just a simulation. It’s a living theater of trade and turmoil, an engine of economic intrigue where every click might ignite a feud between alchemists […]

“Children learn more under moonlight,” she says. “Also fewer interruptions from the sun.” By Quillan Merc, Moon-Adjusted Correspondent GULLSTITCH— In an unexpected but constitutionally valid election upset, Egratha Moondust, the village’s longtime potion-seller and part-time bog whisperer, has won a seat on the Gullstitch Unified School Board by a margin of three votes and one suspiciously prophetic toad. Her first act? Declaring that every full moon shall henceforth be a district-wide holiday for “ritual studies, creative expression, and werewolf preparedness.” 🧹 EGRATHA’S PLATFORM: “EDUCATION SHOULD SPARKLE” Running under the slogan “Let the Children Burn Brighter (But Not Literally)”, Egratha campaigned […]

“It predicted the mayor’s shoe loss, and frankly? That was unsettlingly accurate.” By Quince Elbramble, Special Correspondent & Amateur Fontomancer EMBERCHURCH CROSSING — The township council has voted unanimously to recognize the Dust & Dawn Daily, a peculiar periodical of magical provenance, as both a “conscious civic asset” and “licensed narrative authority.” This ruling follows a recent incident in which the paper’s front page rearranged itself mid-sentence to correctly predict: The council initially suspected enchantment, trickery, or a sentient quill uprising. After exhaustive investigation (including scrying, sniffing, and a suspiciously enthusiastic reading group), it was concluded: “The newspaper is alive. […]

“It quacks, it glows, and it pays alimony—who are we to judge?” By Larcen Barlo, Court Correspondent & Soggy Bench Advocate TARNWILLOW— In a landmark ruling by the Court of Familiar Affairs, the central town fountain of Tarnwillow—designated a minor magical entity after the Great Spillage of ’18—has officially been granted sole custody of two ducks and a spiritling of unknown taxonomic origin. The decision follows a months-long dispute between the fountain and local hedge-witch Marela Tott, who originally summoned the spirit to “gently accelerate herb growth” and “occasionally retrieve spoons from the wishing basin.” The ducks, meanwhile, were unaffiliated […]

“We updated the paperwork,” says clerk. “We did not expect the foyer to combust.” By Blinny Thatch, Municipal Affairs Correspondent & Casual Pyromancer EMBERVALE— What began as a routine boundary update has escalated into a full-blown elemental crisis after Embervale’s town hall was, once again, mistakenly zoned as part of the Elemental Plane of Fire. The error—blamed on a bureaucratic overlap between planar geography and arcane postal codes—has resulted in: “It’s not the first time,” sighed Senior Clerk Maditha Grim. “Last year it was Fire. The year before that, we were partially zoned as ‘conceptual moss.’” 🔥 THE SOURCE OF […]