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Census of the Dead What Happens When 30% of Your ‘Population’ Is Non-Breathing? Civic strain, housing laws, voting-rights debates, and the escalating crisis of municipal necromancy. Across the Commonwealth and its neighboring territories, a peculiar demographic shift has taken hold—one that statisticians describe as “unprecedented,” necromancers describe as “inevitable,” and city planners describe as “Please, gods, not again.” The most recent governmental census reveals an astonishing figure: Thirty percent of the population is dead.Not figuratively.Not emotionally.Not “dead inside” from years of bureaucratic service. No—genuinely, verifiably, bone-creakingly deceased. And yet, these individuals remain present: walking, working (sometimes), loitering, voting (possibly), and […]

Why Accreditation Matters (and Why the System Is Very, Very Broken) Across the Commonwealth—and well beyond it, in jurisdictions as diverse as the Barony of Sixteen Misplaced Lakes, the Roving Principality of Tesselwick, and the city-state of Castellum Taxhaven—adventurers roam the land performing deeds that range from unquestionably heroic to deeply questionable. In theory, these individuals are regulated. In practice, the licensing bureaucracy is held together with twine, post-it runes, and the emotional stamina of three overworked clerks who haven’t had lunch since the reign of Queen Saffria IV. This report examines the current state of the Adventurer Licensing Authority […]

Ghosts file noise complaints against themselves. MARROW HOLLOW — The Cemetery Commission has launched its first-ever Seasonal Haunted Hayride in an effort to “increase community engagement” and fund mausoleum repairs. The hayrides, pulled by spectral draft horses and narrated by a cheerful lich named Gregory, have been praised by visitors for their “immersive spooky realism.” The residents, however, are less impressed. “It’s not the hayride, it’s the shrieking,” explained spectral petitioner Lorna Grimshaw. “When I wail, it’s a deeply personal expression of sorrow. Now I sound like part of a novelty soundtrack.” Officials are considering a “quiet hour” option to […]

Muddlewick — A minor scheduling error in the town of Muddlewick’s Golem Labor Division has resulted in a bureaucratic standoff, after a municipal crossing guard—serial number G-X13 ‘Clappy’—refused to move from his assigned post until a formal contract amendment addressed “inclement weather overtime.” Witnesses report Clappy stood immobile in torrential rain for nearly fourteen hours, arms perpetually outstretched in “child-protection posture,” despite no children being present due to a district-wide weather cancellation. The golem, assembled from discarded armor, brick dust, and an unusually sassy directional rune, reportedly vocalized its demands through a series of soggy chalkboard slates. One read simply: […]

Requires a poem, confession, or unresolved childhood memory to pass. TALLGRAVEL CROSSING, REGION OF WOE —Travelers attempting to cross the historic Sinderstone Bridge this week were met with an unexpected demand — not for coin, but for catharsis. The bridge’s longtime resident troll, Norflax Underspan, has reportedly revised his toll policy to favor “emotional honesty” over traditional currency. The new tolls include such requirements as: 🧠 A Shift in Toll Philosophy When pressed for comment, Norflax told Civic Report correspondents: “What’s a gold coin to a troll? Cold, clinky, and meaningless. But a human’s tears? Mmm. Priceless. They pair beautifully […]

“You can’t copyright a yell,” says legal expert. “But you can definitely weaponize it.” By Quill Sumpkin, Senior Shouting Correspondent BLAREBURROW— A public disturbance in the usually tranquil town of Blareburrow erupted into bureaucratic scandal yesterday as town crier Broderick Hasp was detained for “unauthorized sonic duplication” following a record-setting shout that echoed for six hours straight. Local enchanters claim the echo has begun developing a personality of its own, responding to questions, correcting pronunciation, and once muttering the phrase “I deserve better acoustics.” 📣 THE INCIDENT The trouble began shortly after Hasp declared the arrival of “market cheese hour” […]

A Public Engagement Bulletin on Simulated Fortunes By Hesper Glaive, Official Coin-Sayer of the Inquisitorial Ledger BoardWith illustrations withheld pending investigation into sentient dividends Citizens of Arma, barons of the borderlands, hedgewitches and hedge fund managers alike—lend your ears, your eyes, and perhaps even your ill-gotten goat futures. Because something wondrous has taken root in the chalk-lined ledger margins of our world: 📍 The Fable Market Exchange — coming soon, open to all This isn’t just a simulation. It’s a living theater of trade and turmoil, an engine of economic intrigue where every click might ignite a feud between alchemists […]

“Children learn more under moonlight,” she says. “Also fewer interruptions from the sun.” By Quillan Merc, Moon-Adjusted Correspondent GULLSTITCH— In an unexpected but constitutionally valid election upset, Egratha Moondust, the village’s longtime potion-seller and part-time bog whisperer, has won a seat on the Gullstitch Unified School Board by a margin of three votes and one suspiciously prophetic toad. Her first act? Declaring that every full moon shall henceforth be a district-wide holiday for “ritual studies, creative expression, and werewolf preparedness.” 🧹 EGRATHA’S PLATFORM: “EDUCATION SHOULD SPARKLE” Running under the slogan “Let the Children Burn Brighter (But Not Literally)”, Egratha campaigned […]