“You cannot seduce everything with a lute,” she says. “Sometimes we’re just trees.”
By Claribelle Spindlehook, Investigative Reporter (and Certified Dryad Liaison)
THE SYLVAN COURT – In what legal experts are already calling “a landmark case for sentient flora,” a forest nymph has filed formal charges of enchanted harassment, unwanted wooing, and aggressive serenading against a traveling bard known only by his stage name: Strumbold the Suggestive.
The case—Nerilei v. Strumbold—was formally opened at dawn in the Grand Grove of Arbitration, where a panel of awakened shrubs and at least one visibly disgruntled willow presided over initial proceedings.
The plaintiff, Nerilei of the North Thicket (pronounced Near-ill-ay—and you’re already pronouncing it wrong), claims the bard engaged in a months-long campaign of romantic pursuit, involving unsolicited poems, public ballads, and repeated attempts to “tame the untamable” with what she described as “an offensively confident use of fingerpicking.”
🧝♀️ “WE ARE NOT ENCOUNTER TABLES.”
“I’m not a love interest,” Nerilei declared to the press, radiating an aura of fragrant indignation. “I am a sacred spirit of the cedar heart. I do not bloom at the sound of minor chords and mediocre metaphors about bark.”
In a now-viral statement etched magically onto birch leaves and scattered via sparrow-mail, Nerilei added:
“I do not sparkle in moonlight for your benefit.
I do not hum when the wind blows to tempt you.
Sometimes we’re just trees. Sit somewhere else.”
The quote has since been printed on protest banners, ceramic tankards, and at least one druid’s chest in living ink.
🎸 WHO IS STRUMBOLD?
Known across taverns, meadows, and at least one bathhouse in disrepair, Strumbold the Suggestive rose to minor fame through his collection of traveling ballads titled Lutes, Leaves, and Loose Morals. His songs, performed under an enchanted spotlight that follows him regardless of sun position, include hits like:
- “Baby, You’re My Entangle Spell”
- “Nymphs Ain’t Nothin’ But Trouble”
- “What That Glade Do?”
When reached for comment, Strumbold adjusted his peacock-feather cloak and said:
“I regret nothing, except maybe that metaphor about roots. That one was poorly received.”
He insists the interactions were consensual, poetic, and “within bardic tradition.”
But according to multiple woodland witnesses—including a talking badger named Geoff—the bard was politely warned, then less politely warned, then literally warned with a thorn vine to the knee.
“He kept calling her his ‘seasonal muse,’” Geoff said. “I told him, ‘Buddy, if she wanted you, she’d photosynthesize in your direction.’”
🧾 THE CHARGES (AS FILED IN LEAF-FORMAL SCROLLS)
Nerilei’s complaint includes the following explosive accusations:
- Unlawful Lute-Luring: Using enchanted music to create emotionally manipulative ambiance in a protected glade.
- Repeated Recitation of Love Poetry Without Consent: Notably a 17-stanza piece comparing her to “the most supple of saplings.”
- Improper Use of Prestidigitation: To conjure rose petals during unsolicited “midnight visits.”
- Pinecone-Based Innuendo: Which, according to the court, “crossed a line both metaphorical and botanical.”
Furthermore, Nerilei is seeking reparations in the form of:
- 12 enchanted acorns
- A formal public apology performed without shirt removal
- A magically binding vow to “leave the forest the fey alone”
🗣 DRUIDS DIVIDED
The scandal has rocked the Druidic community, with two major sects—the Circle of the Heartwood and the Order of the Sensual Thicket—issuing dueling declarations.
The Heartwood faction supports Nerilei’s claims, citing the sanctity of personal space and the long history of bards assuming that anything that glows wants to date them.
“The forest is not your dating sim,” said Archdruid Mossbeard. “And dryads don’t exist to be narrative rewards.”
Meanwhile, the Sensual Thicket argues that bardic flirtation is a sacred form of expression. Their official scroll, written entirely in scented ink and delivered with a wink, reads:
“To love a nymph is to sing with the trees. To annoy one is just bad meter.”
🔥 BACKLASH AND SUPPORT
Support for Nerilei has flooded in from all corners of the enchanted world, with forest spirits, river folk, and one extremely articulate salamander posting solidarity spells and forest-safe effigies of the bard’s instrument.
“She deserves respect,” said Sylvaine Windwhistle, a faerie rights activist. “She literally grows thorns when upset. That’s not coy. That’s a warning.”
In response, Strumbold’s fanbase—known as the Lute Brutes—have begun organizing pub-based counter-ballads with lyrics such as:
“She bent like a willow,
Said no with her eyes,
But her roots told me secrets
And I dared to try.”
These performances have resulted in several arrests and one tavern being politely set on fire.
⚖️ LEGAL RAMIFICATIONS
Scholars say Nerilei v. Strumbold could redefine enchanted consent laws throughout the Sylvan Realms, where legal precedent has long struggled with issues like:
- What constitutes magical coercion?
- Can a song be considered harassment if it’s technically a masterpiece?
- Is it illegal to proposition a tree that has not yet revealed its sentience?
“Bards have operated under a veil of romantic immunity for centuries,” said legal scholar Bramblewick Quarrel. “This case could strip that veil—possibly force them to wear shirts in public places.”
📜 STRUMBOLD’S DEFENSE
In a self-authored ballad sent to the court (and somehow rhymed in twelve languages), Strumbold claims:
- His “passion was pure.”
- The forest “led him on with its intoxicating scent.”
- Nerilei once “fluttered a leaf coyly” and he “took that as a sign.”
Critics note the bard has previously claimed to have dated:
- Two water elementals
- A necromancer with intimacy issues
- A disguised celestial who later denied all allegations
- And a cursed broom that “understood him.”
“He’s not picky,” said one former traveling companion. “He once flirted with a weather system.”
🌿 A MOVEMENT GROWS
Nerilei’s cause has now been embraced by a broader movement known as Rootbound, advocating for:
- Non-sentient magical plants to be left the hell alone
- Forest spirits’ right to exist without being metaphor
- Legal recognition of “No means I’ll turn you into mulch”
Their motto: “Pollination is not a promise.”
Several enchanted forests have posted signs reading:
“No serenading past dusk. No metaphors without consent. Absolutely no lutes.”
🔮 WHAT’S NEXT?
The trial continues, with closing arguments expected to be delivered in interpretive dance, druidic cant, and projected memory orbs.
In the meantime, Greenspindle Tavern has banned all musical performances “pending emotional review,” and Nerilei has taken up residence in a hollowed oak surrounded by glowing runes and a particularly surly owl.
Strumbold has returned to his tour, though attendance has plummeted. His new album, Songs for Trees Who Want Nothing From Me, was released to tepid applause and one magical cease-and-desist.
“Let this be a message,” Nerilei said in a final statement, her hair braided with vines and her voice like distant thunder. “You cannot seduce everything with a lute. Sometimes we’re just trees.”
And sometimes?
The trees sue.
