“I just wanted to upgrade the acoustics,” he says, digesting his resignation speech.
By Thistle Grumplequill, Senior Correspondent for Civic Mishaps
GREENSPIRE — In a shocking turn of events—followed immediately by several literal turns, gnashing teeth, and a regrettable belch—the Mayor of Greenspire officially resigned today after the town hall was revealed to be, in fact, a colossal mimic.
The revelation came during the mid-week Council of Lanterns, when the south wing unexpectedly grew a tongue and attempted to consume Alderman Feltwick.
“It had been humming for weeks,” said local librarian Betzy Fernwinder. “We just thought the acoustics were improving. Turns out that was digestive activity.”
The mimic, described by regional mages as “the size of a modest tavern or large hedge maze,” had been enchanted years ago during Greenspire’s ill-fated “Animate Local Architecture” beautification initiative. The program, funded by both royal grants and a particularly overconfident bard, was meant to “bring buildings to life.” In hindsight, residents say, this directive was followed a bit too literally.
🧱 A Structural Problem
Former Mayor Thrombin Wick, who ran on a platform of “transparency and tasteful renovations,” took responsibility for the incident.
“I just wanted to improve acoustics,” said Wick, speaking from a healing ward with only minor tooth marks on his robes. “No one expected the treasurer’s podium to try and eat the treasurer.”
When asked why no one noticed the mimic sooner, Wick replied, “We did. We just thought it was… hungry for progress.”
🪤 Cleanup Underway
Local adventurers were summoned to calm the creature, which is now being relocated to a preserve for Displaced Magical Architecture just outside of Mudfen.
“It’s behaving now,” said monster relocation specialist Bree Cordwain. “We left a few councilors in its vestibule overnight. Just a little light municipal bonding. It’s actually quite docile when it gets regular meetings.”
🏛 Leadership Vacuum
With Wick’s resignation finalized—via a written statement fed directly into the mimic’s mouth—Greenspire is now seeking a new mayoral candidate who is “less furniture-adjacent.”
Applicants must pass a polymorph screening, be able to differentiate between walls and maws, and agree to limit structural upgrades to non-sentient materials.
Asked what he would do next, Wick replied, “Honestly? Something smaller. Maybe run a café. One that doesn’t try to consume its patrons.”
Residents remain cautiously optimistic.
“We’ll rebuild,” said Fernwinder. “With regular walls. The old-fashioned kind. Ones that don’t purr when you sit too long.”
